I've had a lot of nightmares recently, but I had a lesser scale one last night that I don't mind reporting on. The terror in the dream derrived from a let's play of 18782. In waking up, in a way, it's kind of funny. Would I care if there was one? No, it's whatever. I put the game out. But I think the bigger idea of fear was the fact of perception of my own self. It's funny, I like releasing art and posting it, but it makes me so anxious to ever be percieved. It's not shame or anything I don't think, I just get nervous. Good or bad, I was so nervous on it. I've been trying for years to reckon with these feelings. I have a series of set ways of viewing notifications and boundaries and rules; I refuse to look at follower counts on sites if I don't have to. It's embarrassing in a weird way-- not to feel this way, but the idea of perception. Even when I feel I put out something I worked hard on or I think is really cool, it doesn't go away. How annoying.
It ends up transitioning into another part I'm not so clear on where I go into a pod and get launched to Australia but I have to quickly leave because of some simulation mechanics being hazardous or something. I don't exactly know...!
12:20pm ... 5.26.2024