I've been having a weird time of it lately, and it feels kind of weird to talk about. I don't want to go so in depth of it, but I do wonder if it's effecting my creative projects. I've been doing a lot of work on Chapter 5 of 18782-- something I'm very happy with, especially because it usually is months between chapters. However, I feel everything else is not coming together how I want it. I've had a hard time writing KKPP lately... Not even writing it down, once the groove hits, usually I can write 2-3 pages in a sitting whcih isn't bad-- the issue is getting started. I worry about my devlog for next month. I shouldn't work on personal projects to meet self-made quotas or anything... And yet I feel I need to. I've stopped posting art on my main socials for a similar malaise. I guess that's how to describe the general feeling: a malaise. I guess it's depression but usually I can work through depressive bouts. It's been several weeks without much levity, so it's been challenging. I just hate when I can't turn those feelings into work and spend too much time sitting in silence.
After worrying I lost it, I did find my copy of "Meditations in an Emergency" by Frank O'Hara. I have a tendency to turn to art for comfort instead of others. It's hard to be vunerable one-on-one, but reading about others and their words helps. The titular poem, Meditations in an Emergency, is one of my favorite poems of all time. I'm not someone who naturally gravitates towards poetry; I'm very picky in that respect. I can't explain what draws me to his work-- quick, realistic, open... I don't know, but it resonates. I guess trying to put it into words is similar to when you stand in an art gallery and stare at a piece made by someone you don't know, from a whole different time and place, and feel a kinship. That's the beauty of art-- connection, connection, connection... I miss art galleries a lot. Anyway, I've turned a lot to art and music for comfort. I've been listening to a lot of Yapoos again. Jun Togawa's voice is a comfort and her words are mesmerizing. I've also been trying to watch more movies. I've been feeling a bit lackluster in my ability to review and put my thoughts into words. I think I'm overthinking things, especially for a personal blog. I think that's the crux of most of this-- expectations only set by myself.
My dreams have been strange lately. I can't exactly correlate dreaming a lot to anything, but they've been mainly visual kei based. The more memorable parts of 3 dreams are below.
Dream 1: Izumi (ex-Sibilebashir,Roman Kyuko, Old Circus, ect) got into a new band. However, the logo of the band/the post declaring the project is confusing. People on vkgy debate what the band name is in the comments of the announcement. I believe "horses." is taken as the name in the end. The logo looks as follows:
Dream 2: I had a dream the guys from Ainori Technos moonlighted as amateur wrestlers. I remember being in a classroom as I found this out. I desperately was searching on a laptop for any information about this. I remember not coming up with a lot except the fact that yes, they did wrestle in the past. I remember especially wanting to see Uyuni wrestle. I think the image in my brain was those outfits they used for the Summer Party release...
Dream 3: I somehow got to visit a visual kei site I bought from's in-person store and found out they had a lot more than what was online. Notably was a lot of Pinokiwo stuff, including a bunch of rare photos. I wish I could recreate some of them, because they were supposedly promotional material. There were also Dagashi Kashi pics in the mix and I believe some Muchi Muchi ANAGO as well. I remember being nervous on what to buy because of the costs...
I don't think the dreams have much to do with anything except for the fact I want Izumi back in a band and listening to a lot of pikopiko. I think they've helped provide a little levity to the situation as of late. I guess I can't get so caught up in worry and whatnot either because it seems that everytime I feel awful I end up cocooning and emerging better than before. I guess I should praise the cyclical nature of things knowing things will change... But I'll also curse it because it sucks in the moment.
It's been so cold lately, I've put soda on my windowsil. No need for refrigeration to make it cold. The sun still is bright as beautiful as ever, and I'll be fine with it all.
3:37 PM ... 01.23.2025