I've been thinking a lot about different things. I think a few things diving into my childhood [namely like 12-18] has really done something strange to me that's hard to fully put into words. I try to keep private anymore... Which is you knew me years ago probably is very funny as I used to love screaming into the void. I can't tell if that's a growth or decline, or whether this is a growth or a decline (In general, my impulsivity to say such things seems to have lessened, which I think is at least a positive.)
I was thinking about how hard it is to communicate. It's hard to make friends because I feel I come at strangers in a 'which way is the most palatable' sense. In an ironic way, a lot of times, I feel this makes me sound strange and hard to understand because I don't 'get' the other person's wavelength and like some instrument, I try and tune into them-- but I also don't know music theory, so it comes off messy. Putting it like this makes it sound like I'm trying to copy the other person, but'd i'd say it's more to meet the person where they're at and accomodate them. Weirdly enough, I don't think I do this once I'm close to someone. It's hard, like a unconscious barrier to friendship because I feel my words often are mumbled, even in text, to their meaning. I was thinking of this and thinking about Ena around the same time and it hit such a gutteral feeling-- especially the video version of it [vs Dream BBQ]. Something about the constant name mispronnunciations and the weird harshness and a feel to accomodate-- it hit such a weird nerve. [Not to mention the feeling of constantly having your name said wrong, but that's another story.]
In a similar more personal than normal note, I've been really into of Montreal's 'This Is Exposed' ... I haven't actually listened to the full album of that. I accidentally skipped over it... I listened to Lady On The Cusp, but I think in general I need to relisten to that album too (I hope it's like how I feel about UR FUN-- Something I didn't care for much on release but ended up really liking. I guess they all can't be White Is Relic/Irrelias Mood). Anyway, I guess that's opened up a lot of feelings with gender and stuff and it hits in a way that's hard to put into words (or rather, I'd rather not.)
I think also fixating on THS again lately has opened up some sutures. It's a weird project... I still can't say for sure what year it's in (2010s, at least). Like SuburbP [for those who know...], it hits on very specific nostalgia and a very specific moment in my life. Most of the Harold Saga itself was written in like...2019? Or so [I have a backlog of like 70 parts still to upload]. It does dredge up a lot of childhood nostalgia for me... Ironically, the Nero Saga [I don't know what else to call it rn LOL] has dredged up similar, more intense but different feelings. I think their openness (and perhaps pretention...) really hits home on how I was as a kid. Like I said before, I used to be painfully open about things and it's kind of reminding me of that. Not to mention, I've been revisiting a lot of music I listened to at that time (That I still love! Just haven't listened to as often, like Red Lorry Yellow Lorry's Talk About The Weather.) I'm trying to write for them in a weird amalgamation of myself and what I remember I saw a lot back then (Pretentious goth blogs who ended up annoying me too much... Or also people who were unnessisarily rude). It's funny, I opened up the askbox but I DO feel bad being rude despite my own disclaimer. I did also think about making it a real Tumblr Blog, but I got too scared of it getting in the tags and people not understanding it's a fictional project LOL. I do think this is the better route in the end... Now it's just time to upload things...
I guess I should talk a little more about other things too... I've been planning more 'fake sites' on this site for OC purposes. One is a big project for 18782 and I need art assets for it, so it's taking a bit. Soon, I want to get Chika up on the character roster as well. I also want to add more to my F2U page soon, but that requires doing some additional steps first to keep it uniform... I also wanna make a little ship page in my about in time... Also, I'm working on a little dream diary.
Aside from site stuff, I've been so busy with MODELU Season 12... It's nearly done; I only have Yusei left to go at the time that I'm writing this. It feels kind of surreal to think that too... 24 individual pieces feels crazy... I know, despite having stuff I want to do, the crashout will be hard (it always is after new projects). I do need to work on refs for ArtFight, alongside the next chapter of my comic... And aforementioned things for my F2U pages... I am also working hard on KKPP! I hope I don't jinx things by writing this, but I'm nearly done with Rie's on time. I realized I never properly made an ending to her's... So, that's all that really needs to be done then I can move on to either Yuna or Nana (I'll probably do Yui's last, despite her's being the first that was fleshed out LOL).
Nothing else much to write about... I've been in a weirdly good groove with artistic endeavors despite it all. I'm happy with that.
2:59 PM ... 05.13.2025