IN (SELF) MEMORIAM

Michi in 2011 vs 2026

I forget why, but I ended up rewatching YouTube videos I made when I was 12-15.

Everything I'll discuss is currently privated. I had the smart idea to private, not delete, these old videos. I'm happy about that. I'm happy I can look back at my own work like this, especially as so much of it got lost to time by way of PC and harddrive transfers, alongside old website stuff going down. However, I don't really have an interest of putting this stuff back up aha...

Due to the passage of time and other personal things, there's always a big gap missing in my memory. I'd say I came out of some sort of coccoon when I was maybe 22, 23. The previous self is foreign. I have mixed feelings on the whole affair, but in general, I realized a love deep down inside of me for that past version.

Being 12, 13... I was truly just like any other weird child. I can't say I was perfect, no one ever is and definitely not during childhood... But I have a habit of looking back on myself with undue disdain, and I think it's time to be lighter on that. While I've decided to add to the horrors of lost media, i.e., not releasing these publicly, I shall be discussing them nonetheless.

When I was this age, I got really into Vocaloid. My first introduction to it was literally at anime club in middle school, with someone who'd later go one to be my RL best friend. That whole thing is a story for another day, but the general thing you need to know is the following: I loved DeviantArt, Vocaloid, 1920s aesthetics, demonology, Alice in Wonderland, indie animation and fanime. The latter is the most important, as that's what I wanted so badly to partake in-- making a fanime that people loved.

My Intro to Vocaloid

This manifested in various ways: 1. Little clip animations. By this, I mean things like this animation from 2009 -- equipped with the sudden static as if you were changing the channel. I'm pretty sure this was a popular format of the time, at least in stuff I watched (genuinely idk what YouTube animation's scene is like now, so idk if they do this still.), 2. Full song PVs with my OCs, usually using Vocaloid songs. 3. Fanime. I wanted a cool fanime sooo badly I made 2 series... One I could not find, I don't know what account it was on, but I know it existed and there were stills I found in other videos referencing it. At the time, I had a vision and the most cutting edge technology... Windows Movie Maker and MS Paint.

There's not much to say on the clip animations or song PVs per se; They were entertaining to me, and were of the following: The F.U.N. Song, Alice of Human Sacrifice, and two different Boom Di Yadas. The story-based ones include a small series called Asylum Academy that made it to 4 episodes, usually only spanning a couple of minutes. Ever since I was small I hated committing to one storyline and if I remember correctly (also using context clues of me noting characters could be OOC), it was more of an AU sort of thing. AU to what?... Well, I never really figured out where my OC stuff was going at that time. However, a fun little note here is that many characters from this period made it. See, I've always had an issue making OCs and stopping using them. so a lot were just later transformed into other ideas.

Leto in 2011 vs 2026 as well

I think about the concept of performance. I was on a stage, even if it was a small one. When I was younger, I thought I'd do into animation and I'd make it big. Perhaps too honestly, it'd still be a little nice for my work to gain some more recognition (though the idea of fame I had back then doesn't apply the same; I mean a smaller scale). I feel like a ghost presence in the seat of that theater, clapping as loud as I can muster, knowing the noise would never reach that 11-year-old, but unable to hold back my cheers and tears at the production. I can't help but well up with immense pride, as if the work I'm watching isn't by my younger self, but a completely different person. Maybe this disconnection is part of the key, maybe this is the thing keeping me grounded to who I was.

Reguardless the deeper feeling, there's something so beautiful about seeing creativity blossom. My work back then was by no means stellar; Today I think my work is okay. However, there's a certain air of confidence that's shown upon that stage and unashamed momentum. Rough around the edges, but it's so full of passion and such a time capsule, I can't help but have a big smile as I look back at it. There was just an urge to create-- one that's transfered all these years later. The same small quirks that young girl had-- saying "19 videos is so little for a year", criticizing herself via her OCs for getting a Halloween video done a day early, MCR right next to music from 1902, a constant self-reinvention and love... It's indescribleable.

Just tea and cakey...

10:33 PM ... 04.18.2026