All the journal entries that I started writing and stopped. I feel like I need to journal more here. Say something more...
I have been consumed by a few things. Namely a project and Pathologic. I suppose these things tie together because it's hard not to get inspired by playing something as I write. I wouldn't say what I'm working on is even slightly close to Pathologic though. Because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and trying to limit myself, I'm not very far in Pathologic. I spent probably 3 days on one of the days because I felt my timing and such was quite bad. I kept restarting... Probably up to 5 times. I'm enjoying it though! It felt like it took me a bit to get into it, as the writing is very specific and it's a bit overwhelming. I feel I finally got into the tempo of it and I'm really enjoying it.
I've been listening to a lot of indie-emo-noise music. YouTube seems to have somewhat fixed it's algorithm. I get reccomended a lot more music again now. Perhaps it's because I'm watching less video essays because I'm spending my free time gaming or writing or now coding. I did recently remember Watcher was a thing and started catching up on their stuff (its good when I'm drawing.)
I've been trying to push through issues I've had writing. I tend to get frustrated when things aren't going right how I want or I feel I'm not capturing things correctly or writing a part well enough. I've been better about forcing myself to write SOMETHING or writing a note to go back and include something and keep trucking along. Oh my god I write so much...! I wrote ~35k words and then I got frustrated with my orderliness and started over. I took out a lot of those words as I reconstructed things. Now I'm at 47.5k. Perhaps more as I hit publish on this. I'm thinking I won't go over 55k.
Part of it feels natural as I feel removed from people and time and place. I wrote about this before and I wrote about it a few days back in a post that won't be published. I suppose part of what I'm writing builds upon this feeling. I wouldn't call it loneliness per se. I can't say I always feel lonely. I in fact enjoy a lot of my time alone. Talking too much causes tiredness. I just feel a very tangible difference between myself and the outside world. It's not a better/worse dichotomy, just a difference. I can't seem to figure out how to adequately put it into words and I don't want to sound tiringly dour. Whatever Gary Numan/The Tubeway Army's Replicas album feels like is the best way to sum it up. I don't know; Perhaps the only way to really express emotion is through my artwork and various projects. It certainly often feels like that's the only way to really "talk" about myself anyway.
By the way, I don't mean to be obscure for the sake of it. I just have evil-eye paranoia and feel I should finish the script in full before putting wips out publicly. I realize this is silly, but alas...! My mind is at odds with itself and perhaps it's better to motivate myself to finish things, lest they be in project hell.
I'll be wanting to make supplementary material for this project as well, just like 18782. This project feels a lot different than 18782. I suppose it's not nearly as lighthearted, but maybe that'll be changed by the end. It's a totally different storyline with no connecting threads. Speaking of, one day I need to re-do my OC landing page... It's not high on the list because I don't know how I'd exactly want to re-do it, but it needs sprucing up somehow.
Artfight and my birthday are coming up. I probably won't draw anything this year for my birthday because I just don't really care much to (maybe I'll change my mind. I'm very tired right now.) Artfight I feel like I'm going to do significantly less grand pieces. I wanna work on personal projects most, so... But that being said, I still want that ~50/50 ratio to stay...!!!!!!
I also have been trying to work on my Chika doll and give her a bust. It just feels weird to have a flat-chested doll of her. However, it's a pain in the ass to colormatch. I've tried paint x clay, when that airdryed, I then tried pastels, which gave a very annoying weird off-color, even though I was using red/yellow/orange/white... I don't know how to do this! I might just re-sculpt the bust and pray........ Anyway, until I make the leap to give her breast reduction surgery (take off the clay bust I sculpted) and subsequent breast enlargement surgery (make a new one), she fits on the top of: Jean Genet's Our Lady of the Flowers, Arthur Rimbau'd A Season in Hell and a Plastic Tree DVD... Perhaps my future as a pretentious art freak is here............
7:33 PM ... 06.18.2026