It's been weird lately.
I was thinking about an ex-friend of mine. She was someone I knew for many years and I'd call a best friend during that time despite her kind of treating me as her 2nd option most of the time. I won't get into specifics, but I'll say she's really someone who hurt me and who those feelings kickstarted a chain reaction both in how I interact with others and my stories. We haven't spoken since I was 17. In fact, I remember around the time we stopped talking. There was no incident; That's how it always was.
Still, it's been 11 years and I don't hate her. I'm sad at how she treated me but I'd hope she has grown--- much like I have! I consider myself a whole different species from the me of 16-22. It's like I re-emerged from my own skin, similar to a snake, but with different markings. I view that girl as a seperate person from the who I am today, even though I still carry the same guilt over how erratic I was over everything.
Anyway, a few days after thinking about her, I got a notif on a site I don't even use that she made a post about having a medical scare. Despite holding so much resentment (though much is faded)-- I immediatly got upset. I don't know what's going on in her life. Last I heard, several years after we last talked, is she was telling people she was seeing me near-weekly. I just felt sad over the whole thing. It effected my dreams too; I had one where I got news she had passed and I was distraught. I forgave her profusely in the dream.
It's weird. I guess in a way, it marked something for me. I can feel resentful of actions, but it's hard for me to wish ill on people who I've known. I want her to thrive. I don't know who she is today. She could be the same girl as ever or someone completely new-- but either way I wish her happiness. It's been a weird rumination on that and those feelings; Both memories that flooded to the surface, but with a new level of detachment. I guess time does this? I don't know.
Around the same time frame, a friend that I haven't spoken to in as many years reached out to me. It was strange-- I liked her, she was always kind to me and she stuck out to me-- But I guess I was surprised I meant something to her. She now has kids-- something I've realized many people I knew have, which shakes me to my core in an indescribable way (I don't want kids; It's more of a hitting of how much time has passed that many people I know have 5 year olds). I don't know why she was thinking about me.
I guess it kind of cracked open unpleasant feelings in myself. I am viewed suspended in time as a 16-year-old version of myself. I mean, I can't blame them; Last big memory of that girl was her helping pierce someone on the morning bus. But it made me feel panic over myself and my place in life. I haven't done a lot. I've changed myself to a degree that I feel such immense seperation from my former life. I guess it comes back to-- why me? Why was I memorable? I wanted to disappear from everything and everyone. I only ever told one person where I am. I don't get it. I don't think there's a big reason behind it either, but I can't help but feel like a rabbit over any interaction.
I always thought of myself unmemorable at best; Offputting at worst. I know I have a strange way of approaching things because I feel quite uncapable of normal interaction with others. It's easier talking into the void than to another person by miles. It's not that I don't like talking and making friends but it also feels unnatural to me. It's strange. Everything with being seen is a paradox. I don't want to be seen but I want to be acknowledged, ectect.
It all comes at a time where I was ruminating over internet immortality again. It's a thing that fascinates me. It's obviously a nuanced topic at points with things that should be archived and not, but that's a tangential discussion. What kicked it off recently with me is hearing about Poorly Planned Comics and the story about the creator. It's an incredibly tragic event, but it seems as though the majority of the creator's (Jack Masters, among many other names) work has been archived. I sadly couldn't read far into it, as I kept crying (Not because the work was particularly sorrowful, but rather due to the tragedy alongisde the beauty of his work living on through dedicated fans-- something that is quite moving.)
When you post on the internet, I do think it's natural to wonder what'll happen after you pass to your footprint. If I input certain things, I can find my 9-year-old self on a now-defunct web creation service. I think this whole thing opens up another discussion on the existance of self and the moving of time similar to stills in a film.
I guess this ties in to earlier: People remember others more than they tend to express it seems. I'm guilty of this. One day will someone stumble upon my work? What will they think? What will they think about me? I think about these things even in the context of works I enjoy, both by the living and dead. Either way, I think it's beautiful to connect over space and time with people who you may never have a conversation with, but feel a connection to their words or expressions of themselves.
In a similar vein: I keep being reccomended YouTube videos from 17-21 years ago now. I wonder if the people who posted these know thousands are viewing their home movies? I came across one and it was some footage of a family in a resturaunt. They were speaking a language I didn't understand (my guess is Mandarin, but I can't be certain). There were pictures of this family as well. These people I've never met, I wonder how their lives are now? The kids in the photos, who look around 5, they must be around my age-- do they know this video is out there? This group of people I've never met, all I can do is hope they're living happily.
I should end all of this with some good things. It took me like 3 days to figure it out, but I wrangled my ffmpeg/yt-dlp to properly download twitcasts after it stopped working. There wasn't a well-phrased solution online, so I had to do a lot of troubleshooting. In the end, it ended up making me realize how different commands for ffmpeg and yt-dlp are lol. You live and learn. Also, I'm finally dressing my Chika doll! She has boots and a bodice. I also found out I'm naturally very good at kayaking. I want to be on the water again. Usually, it makes me very nervous to go long spans of time without audio of some sort-- i.e., music or youtube or movies-- but for once, I felt I could empty my mind as I floated on the water. I got stuck, but was able to unstick myself. I also saw barnacles up close for the first time!
I have a lot to think about with my mini-game as well. I'm almost done with draft 3. I might do draft 4 before revising once again, just because I want to add a scene or two to flesh out one of the mains more. I don't know! I'm more than halfway done with the backgrounds-- perhaps one of the largest undertakings beyond writing, so there's that. I have a few supplementary materials I was thinking of adding as well... I don't know. I don't know if I'd release it with the game or take more time and put them out after. Who knows! Who knows....
Whatever. It's fine, life will be good.
2:59 PM ... 08.12.2026