Year: 2011
Rating: 2.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Blood, Sickness, Pregnancy, Sex
Summary: Bella gets married and immediately pregnant. This causes people to get mad.
I feel like this movie was a step into a personal hell for me. It started off okay! Honestly, I wasn’t expecting good by any means, but 2 and 3 were the same score, so this would probably be around the same… Right? … Wrong.
It starts off with Bella and Edward’s wedding. I love Alice’s energy here. She's cute as always and honestly the star of this whole series. I do think how they interspersed the wedding speech with Alice being cutesy and Charlie being like, “I hope you explode Eddyboy” funny— one of the rare enjoyable moments in this series past the first one. However this whole scene annoys me because I remember distinctly Bella saying she wanted to hyphen her last name… And I guess that just never happened………… God I hate this.
During this whole thing Jacob is upset, comes back, upset again learning that Edward and Bella are gonna have sex. It’s really a whole nothing thing and just weird.
We go to their honeymoon and somehow Eddyboy knows flawless Portuguese… Which I don’t buy. You’re telling me Mr. Traditionalist [as he has said 100 times the last film and into this one] that is always brooding and angry and sad actually took time out of all these years to try and learn a new language by himself? Yeah, I don’t believe it.
Anyway they end up having sex. I thought the whole “”controversy”” from other characters about them having sex had to do with like…[NSFW] if her hymen breaks and there's blood? But that’s not it at all. Genuinely I don’t fucking get it. Anyway we get the most annoying montage of them fucking and kissing for like a good portion of this movie… To the point honestly I started getting repulsion. This is not on either of the actors! Bless them for doing this! It is all about it is unbearable to watch two characters who you do not like makeout every movie constantly. After their first time having sex Edward is brooding and fucking annoying as always.
Anyway, surprise surprise Mormon Vampire Icon Edward has no idea what the hell a condom is and got her pregnant. Genuinely I did think like… [NSFW] Does he have undead sperm…? Bella said something about him not enjoying it as much as she did… Like I know he isn’t coochie diving. I don’t fucking get this whole nonsense. They both freak out, Bella wants the child, lies that she's sick to everyone because she doesn’t want them knowing she’s pregnant.
Bella does go back home to the Cullen house and is taken care of there. Everyone is frantic… Genuinely I could not fucking care less. Jacob finds out and goes through the woods crying with some of the worst wolf whines I’ve ever heard mixed in with a very annoying flashy clip show in red… Which is actually kind of funny-. Anyway because werewolves are all telepathic they find out about her freaky child and then want to kill it. This all goes as you’d expect and honestly is barely worth covering despite taking up half the movie.
The one really good scene is Bella saying she’s either gonna name her child Edward Jacob or Reneesme and seeing Edward and Jacob’s faces at that. Also Edward saying he can read the baby's thoughts like this thing can’t even goo goo gaga yet you want me to believe it can talk to him? Idiot.
Bella “dies” during childbirth and we’re supposed to believe it despite going to watch a movie with part one in the name. Eddyboy does a bunch of shit including crying and trying to save her. Bella wakes up with red eyes at the end of the movie and we find out the Volturi are still after them.
It is 95% a joyless experience. 3% goes to hearing Bella say Reneesme out loud with her full chest, Alice, and also when the wolf boys are sillayyy. The other 2% goes to me remembering its only 2 more hours of this series after this movie thank fucking god.
Year: 2012
Rating: 3.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Blood, Death, Decapitation, Child death, CGI wolf injury/death, Weird shit irt planning to marry a baby when they grow up
Summary: Volturi are pissed Bella has a vampire-human baby and are coming to kill it.
Saying this movie is better than part one is like saying I would rather eat raw eggs than raw meat– both are not enjoyable experiences and I actually would prefer to do neither. Twilight as a whole feels like a very annoying snowball effect of making you realize how much this series sucks the more you watch. I think the reason this gets slightly higher than the previous is because there was less awkward fucking and making out (oh but don’t worry, there was still too much of it for my tastes) and I personally do not vibe with pregnancy storylines.
This movie had its own ending written on the wall in the first 30 minutes or so of it. Bella somehow very naturally takes to being a vampire and controlling her impulses magically and we have to hear about it. Jacob tells Bella he imprinted on her kid and everyone becomes fine with him marrying this child in a few years. Alice warns everyone the Volturi is coming, fucks off, comes back when she’s needed.
I think the 3 good parts that stood out to me were: 1. Bella getting pissed Jacob nicknamed Reneesme ‘Nessie’ (like the loch ness monster-); 2. I actually liked seeing more vampires from all around!! 3. Alice is always slaying every movie and making it actually bearable.
I think the whole fight scene was… Stupid. I hate fake-outs like that and honestly it felt like a time-filler and a way to get it to 2 hours like every other movie in the series. The ending would be fine and as anti-climatic as you’d have guessed if not for the creepy ass montage of Reneesme and Jacob having kids which… Gross… Not enjoyable and such a weird and gross way to finish off this series.
Since it’s the last movie, I’ll also give a quick wrap-up of my thoughts on the whole ordeal: The first movie was fun in how silly it was… The rest just kind of suck and are not worth it. Save yourself the 8 hours because even the parts that are funny are not worth it.
Year: 2024
Rating: 2.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Blood, gore, death, weird remarks about a teenager
Summary: A family tries to grow closer by going on a family vacation. However, the hotel they’re staying at is taken over by killers who compete with each other and livestream the event.
If I had to describe this movie in one word it’s tiring. The premise isn’t really anything new or interesting; it’s your typical ‘Ohhh death game being streamed’ type of thing (except I guess in this world murder is fine because in the end it shows everyone and their grandma seems to have the app ). This movie is so tedious and boring to sit through and the pacing is atrocious.
The only way you’re really gonna be super into this film is if you like gore-fests with lots of long kill scenes; and to be fair– The gore and blood were fine! The FX was done well! Probably the one thing in the film I can actually say something nice about, but personally, it’s not my thing at all and it felt, again, more tedious than scary.
The acting is overall subpar. They have the actor who plays Art the Clown from the Terrifier series in this and it’s very apparent because he does a lot of the same schick. That’s not necessarily a shot at his acting; I haven’t seen him in anything else and it could just be the director’s choices… But when everything else feels like Terrifier with a slightly different coat of paint on it, it’s not really exciting (especially because I’m not really a fan of that series; I’ve seen the first 2). The Terrifier comparison isn’t far off because a lot of alumni from that movie are in this… And again, it shows and not in a favorable way at all for me.
The story is so predictable, which is partly why this film feels so boring and uninteresting. It really feels like a mosaic of similar films done poorly (Then again, has there ever been a ‘evil kill game online oo spooky’ film done right? Closest for me is Videodrome but that’s not quite the same lol.). The plot holes in it are so stupid too– there’s no wifi, but you can still call emergency services lol… Also, it didn’t seem so far out… No one has data? And also sure the doors are locked… But hotel rooms usually have windows– you expect me to believe they quickly barricaded all of those? Or even try and sell the idea that they're remotely locked…? Come on now… The last few seconds of the movie, I ended up turning it off as the guy was finishing his diatribe, not even caring, despite there being more plot and exposition during that than the rest of the movie.
Year: 1972
Rating: 2.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Drugs, Sex, Death (with very poor blood), sexual assault , animal death (real, around the 1:08:30 minute mark for around a minute)
Summary: A war veteran gets a job at a turkey farm and is exposed to harmful chemicals.
My movie luck for this month was not hot at this point. I kind of knew this wouldn’t be cinematic genius going in, but it was way worse than I thought. I think some parts of it were fine if for nothing else because of the bad acting and line delivery… But a lot of it was just very slow and boring, that the funnier parts of it just felt like a slog to get to.
I do really like the turkey headpiece they dress the main guy in. It looks incredibly goofy and charming because of it. When the film finally had some life to it– around the 40 minute mark (around halfway), one of the more entertaining bits was the screaming audio that kept being reused… And poorly cut off.
This movie isn’t fully devoid of fun– the deaths are so stupid they become comical… But two or three good scenes in an otherwise boring movie does not make a good movie. It’s sad because the base plot is enough to draw interest… But nothing about it makes it particularly enjoyable aside from its poor acting. I really feel the real gore was unnecessary to the whole plot and more of a shock to actually make sure viewers were still there and to wake them if they fell asleep.
Finding out most of the cast were from one of the writer/director’s acting school… Man, I’d ask for my money back after it came out. At the end of it, all I could think was, “I should’ve booted up Harvester or Dead Rising like I had initially planned.”
Year: 1953
Rating: 2.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death, Mass human extinction, Sexual assault [Not in depth]
Summary: Robot-alien monsters destroy the human population, and one seeks to find the 8 remaining survivors and kill them.
Robot-Monster is a movie that is known for being bad. I don’t think it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s not good. I think the ending, where it reveals it was just the boy’s dreams, makes up for certain plot things that seem strange in the moment. However, that feels like a save more than anything… And I’m not particularly fond of ‘It was just a dream’ movies. Watching it without that knowledge, I was so confused by the quick jump between the serene picnic to the end of the world without much inbetween.
I don’t think the plot of the movie is necessarily bad, nor is the acting. It does get a little boring at times, despite its short run-time. I don’t think it has all the qualities I look for in a bad film, and I do think there was some effort put in… But it didn’t really scratch an itch for me of a good-bad film or just a good-film. To put it in categories of other bad films of the era I’d compare it to: It’s better than The Beast of Yucca Flats, but it’s not as entertaining as Plan 9 From Outer Space.
I think the production and aftermath of the film eclipses the actual interest I had in the film. The film was shot with 3D in mind– something that is surprising given the camera crew’s lack of practice with their equipment and the budget. The film’s score– Which worked really nicely, by the way– was by a man named Elmer Bernstein, who was a big deal until he was blacklisted by Hollywood for writing music reviews in a communist newspaper. Selena Royle, who played the mother and was in several movies by this time, was also cast out from Hollywood under suspicion of being a communist sympathizer, and this served as one of her last performances. The iconic costume in the film was a home-made gorilla suit (made by the guy who plays Ro-man, the monster). The whole film was shot in 4 days as well.
The most interesting part is the writer/producer, Phil Tucker. This was his first movie of 11 (6 done in his 20s.) However, it seems this movie wrecked him, emotionally and financially as he claims the distributor refused to pay him for the film’s profits– which were 1 million USD off of a film that cost $16k USD to make (in other words, more than 60x). This sadly led to a suicide attempt, but he was unsuccessful and went on to make the aforementioned other 10 movies up until his death in 1985.
In all, I think the production of the movie has stuck with me more than the actual contents. It’s not horrible, but it’s not something I’d ever recommend anyone to go out of their way to watch, even if they like bad movies.
Year: 2024
Rating: 4.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Death, blood, sex [without nudity], infidelity, drug mentions
Summary: A man is released from jail and looking for work. He gets in over his head after seeking money owed to him by a crime lord he worked for who orders him to kill an ex-lover.
I think this movie is fine. It’s one of those ‘I don’t have much to say about it’ type of movies. I think the acting was really good– the lead actor managed to perfectly capture being haggard and tired throughout the whole movie. The plot kind of lost me at the end, specifically the part with the crime lord's second in command looking for him.
I don’t think it’s a bad movie; The slower, more dialogue-driven pace wasn’t an issue. I also don’t necessarily mind the ending, though it is kind of sad to see this guy struggle the whole movie just to die at the end. In conclusion, not bad, not good, it’s just one of those movies that doesn’t do much for me.
Year: 1997
Rating: 7.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death, blood, dissection, animals in small cages, mummified animals
Summary: A string of strange similar murders occur, but there seems to be nothing that connects them together.
Cure is a movie that starts out with a bang and does a good job of keeping you invested. The style of filming reminds me a lot of Stalker in the way its shot– not to it’s detriment, in a way that I really like with the feeling of the film. This movie, despite having a decent amount of blood and gore, is much more of a psychological horror. I think it does a decent job of it, and the days after I was still thinking about the meaning to it all still.
Year: 1973
Rating: 7.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Dead animals (Unsure if real, but realistic at least; There are seemingly real dead jarred animals ),child death, missing persons, nudity, sex
Summary: A police officer investigates the disappearance of a young girl on an isolated island.
The Wicker Man is a movie that I’ve wanted to watch for years— ever since seeing those creepy little masks worn in it. I’m glad I finally got around to watching it, and I overall had a decent time with it.
The story had me on pins and needles the whole time, despite thinking I knew how a lot of it would shape up. I think it’s a really unique movie with a lot of interesting lore and iconography and it really easily draws you into the world it’s created. I think the music that shapes the movie is really interesting as well. I did not expect the twists that came with this movie– Which I’m really glad I was not spoiled with before watching given how notable of a movie it is. The acting and scenery is superb and really beautifully frames the whole movie.
Probably my only hesitation with ever rewatching it is I don’t care to see the dead animal parts/hear the animals making upset noises again, because it’s quite unpleasant (though it seems as though no animals were harmed in the last scene).
Year: 2019
Rating: 8.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Sex/Nudity, a scene where a woman gets an abortion
Summary: A woman comes to an estate to paint a portrait of a woman before her marriage. She finds out that this woman does not want this marriage all while falling for her.
As I was writing this review, my tears were drying on my face after watching it. It’s similar to my last reviews– ‘Heard good things, finally watching’. Well, I’m glad I did but man that hit me hard.
The acting in this movie is phenomenal. Let’s just get that out of the way– the lead actresses are great, but so are the supporting. The scenery is gorgeous– and man, the use of color in the film, especially the dresses Heloise, the wealthy woman set to be married, wears– really convey such a heavy mood. I’d say a lot of this movie is more on a feeling side than anything. The glances, the touches, the wistful staring… And it’s done with such grace and poise, you feel the heaviness of the whole affair weighing on both characters. The only thing that threw me to the end was the image of Heloise in white that Marianne kept seeing– until the end when I realized it was a wedding dress.
The use of motifs in this film is so amazing. I loved the musical themes in it, the fire, again– the dresses as ways to convey emotion, the story of Orpheus and Eurydice coming up as a mirror to the plot. I really think this movie conveys the feeling of how love changes someone, coupled with a feeling of fleetingness like with Orpheus and Eurydice. It’s something where you go in knowing the pair are not having a happy ending– we start with Marianne, the painter, alone after all, solemnly looking on at the picture she painted of Heloise, fire on her dress.
Year: 2024
Rating: 7.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Brief mentions of pedophilia/sexual violence, mentions of people dying via bombing
Summary: The pope dies and the process of selecting a new pope is held.
Conclave was something I thought I’d have to put on pause and try another day because when I watched it I was not feeling my best. However, by the end I have to say: I did enjoy it. It had a pretty slow start for me, but it laid the groundwork for what was to come, so I can’t complain so much. The cinematography and acting was wonderful as well. I really liked the ending, as I didn’t expect it (I expected who was to be ordained, but not per se the circumstances). I really like how it tackled more complex things such as crises of faith with the main character, alongside people having more ill-intent with a rise to power. As I’ve said in previous reviews, I’m not a religious person, but I think all you really need is a basic understanding of it to enjoy it, as it’s not bogged down so heavily by intricacies that are unknown to your day-to-day person.
Year: 2002
Rating: 9.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Rape, incest, nudity, violence
Summary: 4 girls are forced into a Magdalene Asylum (an institution for “fallen” women who need to “repent”).
Like Portrait of A Lady On Fire, which I had watched prior to this, by the end, I was in tears. However, unlike that movie, this was based on real accounts portraying the lives of 4 separate girls. If I had to describe this movie, I would call it ‘haunting’. I think the closest I can compare the feeling of this movie too is Frances (1982) (a film depicting Frances Farmer’s life). The acting in this movie is impeccable and to think that this is based off of real accounts the four main girls went through is hard to even put into words. I think an important note is the fact the director, Peter Mullan, has stated that the film was initially made because the women in these institutions had had no recognition of the horrors they faced, and I personally believe he did a beautiful job in bringing those horrors to life.
Despite the rough subject matter, the film can hardly be described as gratuitous and fetishizing to the struggles. Even in a scene where all the girls are forced to stand nude and the nuns mock their bodies, there’s nothing sexual about it beyond their comments, and in fact, it’s hard to look at the screen and see the girls' faces as they’re forced into this position. I really think the woman who played Bernadette did a stellar job, and I like how her story didn’t shy away from her own cruelty in the situation (in regards to her taking Eileen’s necklace or the things she told the dying woman). The end still of her was a great way to segue into the part before the credits where they told you where the main women ended up post-the film’s end.
To sum up the film, it’s a hard watch at points, but if you can make it through, it’s very well done and worth it. I think it’s a film better experienced and seen than talked about.
Year: 2002
Rating: 6.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Cancer, Blackmail (into sexual situations, but not involving sex), nudity, sex/masturbation without genitalia, exhibitionism, suicide mentions [not acted upon], violence, drowning
Summary: An erotic photographer blackmails a woman and then intervenes in her and her husband’s lives.
Well, I didn’t expect an erotic thriller to have an undercurrent of it’s important to get breast cancer screenings and make sure you have good sexual health. Anyway, for different parts of the movie, from the strange blue cast and shooting style to the interesting and bizzare phallic imagery later, this movie reminded me of Tetsuo: The Iron Man… And no wonder, it’s by the same guy!
It’s definitely a movie with its own carve out in cinema and besides surface level comparisons with style and views on sexuality, I can’t compare it heavily to other films. I didn’t exactly know where it was going most of the time, and it lingered quite a lot on the scenes. The first ⅔ of the film feels very different to the later half (especially as it gets into more surrealistic territories), and there's a good section in the last 10-15 that I don’t really understand.
I do think the cancer storyline mixed in isn’t done in a way that bothers me. I don’t particularly like that in films (I feel it’s often more exploitative or shocking rather than wanting to explore the subject/take care to those who have suffered or loved ones have suffered)-- but this does it in a way that makes sense. It helps emphasize the fact the housewife’s husband is so checked out of her needs and her wants, he doesn’t even realize that her body has changed; And she’s so wanting him to see her and be with her that when he does find out, she hesitates to get surgery because her husband freaks out on the idea of her body changing. It seems the only one who cares about her ability to live life (and shake her out of it, I’m guessing by the last scene where the housewife and her husband are intimate and it first is shown she has no nipple on one side, but then it’s fine?...) is the person whose life she saved in the first place.
It’s a strange movie and while it may not be the most mind-blowing cinema ever, I don’t regret watching it.
Year: 2009
Rating: 2.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Nudity, Sexual acts (clothed), death/murder, blood, slurs [f-slur]
Summary: A movie following a group of strange elderly people in a home-movie style.
This movie reminds me of a lot of videos I used to watch on Youtube of people’s home movies from the late 90s. It’s more or less scene after scene of random events concerning a group of strange, destructive elderly people.
I think when the initial strangeness wears off, around 15 minutes in… It feels kind of stale. I can appreciate the originality of it in a way, but it doesn’t necessarily make it a fun watch past a certain point.
The additions of horror were fine– not necessarily a bad thing. However, they went nowhere, just an addition for some sort of semblance of plot (there is none, by the way). Nothing else was interesting past a point, and just slowly became more and more annoying noise. None of the characters are likeable– which isn’t a bad thing, but the rest of the film not being interesting makes it tiring and dull. There’s nothing to even intrigue you much about the characters minus the initial shock. A lot of the scenes feel like it’s trying too hard to be different or edgy, and it just isn’t enjoyable for me.
Despite being only 1h14 minutes, it just feels like a slog to get through. If I had to give it points, it would be more or less towards the grungy filming of it capturing a certain atmosphere and time and place. However, if I were to go back in time, I’d avoid this film and watch people’s home movies on Youtube. What people put out there is bound to be more interesting and authentically charming than this mishmash. Even as an example, this 9 minute video of people at a 7-11 in 1987 is more interesting and enjoyable than the entirety of that film.
5:31pm .. .. // 03.01.2025