Year: 2014
Rating: 5.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Animal death (fake), Death/Blood/Gore
Summary: After a divorce, a mother moves with her daughter to a suburban mansion. Unbeknownst to her, a child murdered his family and 2 cops years prior and left behind his doll.
It’s really a “what you see is what you get” kind of movie. Is it technically good? Eh... Was it fun? Very! It kept a decent pace and kept me interested, though you kind of knew where it was going the whole time. It’s a movie I can make a case for how parents ignoring their children’s needs for their own causes problems and their child to act out, and generally how children are forced into situations they don’t consent to and being forced into hard-to-adjust situations without warning... But I really don’t think that was the underlying intention of the movie. However, there is enough of that stuff in there which does make you at least ponder it.
Also, I might just have insane girls love brain but it really felt like the mom had waaayyy more chemistry with the lady professor than her loser ex-husband. She should’ve gotten with her #MomxProfessorTruther.
Year: 2025
Rating: 9.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Racism, Discussions of the murder of George Floyd, Pandemic/COVID discussed and shown, Death/Murder/Gore, Mentions of sexual assault
Summary: Set during 2020, amidst COVID and following the murder of George Floyd, a local sheriff tries to run against the current mayor for reelection.
I’ll be the first to say that any summary of this movie will not do this movie justice for the character study that’s situated between this 2h30m movie.
I’ve said my opinions on political movies before. I’ve liked some, but this actually felt like it had something bigger to say and was quite bold. According to a friend of mine, people had called this movie centrist– but in fact, I think it’s one of the most leftist movies I’ve seen. I feel it’s bold choice to go after politics as a whole– obviously someone on the right like Sheriff Cross, but also interestingly someone who's more like a democrat in Mayor Garcia. It’s a fascinating character study on the lack of empathy in politics and the drive for personal power rather than actually assisting a community through grief and hardship.
Interwoven are so many interesting small nuances– racism in the police force, how people center whiteness in areas where it doesn’t belong, grifters– both in the spiritual healer kind and political, mental illness, care of the disabled, astroturfing, ectect.
It’s just really well-done and the characters feel real and well-rounded, not like some political cartoon caricature.
This and Beau is Not Afraid really have changed my feelings on Ari Aster’s movies as someone who did not care for Midsommar or Hereditary.
Year: 2025
Rating: 7.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Blood/Gore, Sexual references
Summary: The Mad Hatter kidnaps 6 princesses and has them duel to the death to be his bride.
With a summary like that, you get a certain idea about this movie... However! I genuinely am shocked by how much I enjoyed this.
I’m not saying this is peak cinema and there are things to criticize about it– namely some of the makeup and costuming and some of the very, very strange filming choices. However, I kind of feel as though that’s on the back burner to the good parts of this movie.
I should preface any further praise with this: It hit like it was 2010 for me– and by that I mean some of the aesthetics and the general “evil princess and fucked up fairytale storyline” is hitting such a specific spot for me. I realize this type of shit can go cheesy really quickly and it’s often more eyerolling, but I think this kind of escapes that criticism somehow. Maybe it’s the fact it’s not just “evil version of fairytale” and instead does a lot more than that, but it feels fresh in a genre thats usually just edgy without much thought that goes into it. I genuinely feel they were able to represent the respective fairytales without relying too much on making the backstories of them edgy while bringing in a new story.
While there are a lot of plotpoints that you can guess, I think they do it well enough that it doesn’t begin to feel tired and honestly I think the story is done in an engaging way. It’s not long at all, clocking in at about 1h16m and doesn’t overstay it’s welcome. I also think they kept the princesses interesting and I just found the ending to be a perfect cap for this type of movie.
I really thought I’d be rolling my eyes, but I think they did a really good job with this and I had a lot of fun with it.
Year: 2024
Rating: 4.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Abuse (incl. Child abuse), Death/Murder/Gore, Forced undressing (non-sexual)
Summary: A retelling of Cinderella in a horror fashion.
This is actually the precursor to Fairest of Them All– or at least one of them!
It’s definitely not as good as Fairest of Them All and follows a generally edgy version of Cinderella. I think there are some additions to the fairytale, such as the gruesomeness of forcing Cinderella to kill her friend and then like... locking up that friend’s child (... Which never really gets addressed again; Which is strange because before showing a view of him locked up, it’s heavily implied he was killed too...? Don’t really get that addition).
HOWEVER! I do really fuck with the fairy godmother in this and her weird little demon servants. I don’t quite understand the beginning segment– I can make a guess it was her mother and father...? But it’s never really talked about either. I also don’t fully understand how this ending ties into Fairest of Them All– I genuinely can’t tell if it’s an alternate ending or what, but I do appreciate how this ending with Cinderella and the fairy godmother is a bit unexpected, at least for myself.
It’s probably something if you’re into straight up slashing and gore, you’ll like this. Personally, it was a bit too gruesome at times for me– especially the first scene with Cinderella’s friend/the servant.
... Also, the prince in this kept giving me Tom Sandoval and I legit could not stop thinking about that.
Year: 2025
Rating: 2.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Abuse [Specifically domestic abuse and child abuse], Sexual assault, Sex w/out full nudity, Death/Blood/Gore
Summary: A woman takes a job as a housemaid, living with a rich couple and their daughter. Her worries about them finding out about her past pale in comparison as the mother starts acting out.
This was probably a solid 4-5 movie in the first half. It’s pretty basic and there’s not anything really big going on and the plot twist is decently easy to guess about 30 minutes before it’s really revealed– fine, nothing wrong with that inherently.
However, it’s really the last 30-40 of this way too long movie that causes it to drop down so low and make me physically feel I was losing brain cells in live time.
Let's set the scene with the general story (Spoilers all ahead): The big backstory with the maid is she killed someone to protect someone else as a teenager and got 15 years but out on 10. Wife is made out to be crazy by the husband. After a series of events, the wife is kicked out of the house as the daughter is at camp. Husband and maid are together and galavanting. Maid drops an heirloom plate as she sees the groundskeeper; groundskeeper gets fired. Husband decides to go make love with maid in what was her room– a room in the attic. Essentially shes drugged and is now locked in there due to dropping the plate and not cleaning it up. We learn the wife had to deal with this too and essentially made her out to be crazy, covering it up with his good looks and money.
All of that? Fine. Lifetime fare, but not the worst thing ever.
However, once the maid escapes and locks the guy in the attic... Despite seemingly having footage of all this, she decides to instead play with him in this sadistic game instead of getting help (making him extract a tooth, making a mess of all these plates outside the door, putting gasoline and getting ready to light him on fire). The wife returns too because the daughter is like “what abt the maid” and tries to save her but ends up releasing the husband. Bish, bash, bosh, he ends up tumbling over the balcony and dying.
Cops come and the wife, letting the maid run off, tells them that she went to pick up her daughter and gave the maid a week off, so he mustve fell changing a lightbulb in the middle of the night. Despite this guy seemingly having enough money to build a custom house outside of NYC and a giant data firm, not to mention the wife’s history of being institutionalized and the maid’s history of murder... They dont investigate shit. Why? Because 1 cop recognizes him as a guy who did similar shit to her sister. Which... makes no fucking sense because there are other cops and the guys mother is alive and KNOWS he was gonna divorce the wife...?? Not to mention: No one fucking cleaned up the plates or the GASOLINE OR THE BLOOD IN THE ATTIC?
Genuinely you’re telling me cops of all people are willing to believe a woman deemed mentally ill and a woman who’s out of jail over this guy...? Yeah no thats either 1. You have never interacted with a cop 2. Copaganda 3. Both. Genuinely makes no sense.
To top off the stupid cake, at the funeral, the wife has a check ready for 100k for the maid. The maid then somehow gets referred to another lady to help kill her husband which... I didn’t mention earlier, but no one fucking liked the wife and all were going crazy over the husband? Who fucking reffered her? Why would they believe this woman whos been pigeonholed? NO FUCKING IDEA!!!!! Not to mention she did such a shit job of the evidence like whooooo would hire her for that??
Genuinely the last part of the movie– the idea of a woman being hired to help dispose of women’s horrible husbands, sounds so much better than the rest of the 2h19m of this movie. I can really tell this movie was written by someone who thought they were being clever but it just feels like derivative drool with no thoughts other than “abusive men... bad :(”. Like yes that's great and all but can we find some depth! Also it is very funny because it vaguely felt like it was trying to form some sort of thought about traditional gender roles and stuff and youre main girl is Sydney Sweeny... Which lucky for me I didnt pick up who it was until someone else pointed it out but it is a very funny footnote given her cultural relevancy is... Being associated with trad gender roles and such.
Also the music was god awful and felt like it was someone who owed too many favors to their music friends so they randomly slapped in their music, situation appropriate or not.
Also also: Man this shouldnt even be considered an erotic thriller there was like... No eroticism. They fucked but they couldnt even be assed to show a titty? God damn god damn god damnnnn.
BOOOOO!!!!! Dont waste 2h20m on this unless you’re really into bottom of the barrel thrillers.
Year: 2022
Rating: 5.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Murder, Cults, Dialogue indicating sexual assault
Summary: A group of troubled teens are sent to a green community for a week, but little do they know, Humpty Dumpty is in its midst.
This is like the beautiful direct-to-DVD sequel of the first. The first was no high-budget affair, but this one manages to make it look like a Hollywood production and honestly... I love that for this.
I don’t think this is the type of movie you reserve expectations for, but if for some reason you thought it’d be a continuation of the first... Well, that’s not the case at all. It works as a stand-alone as well as a very, VERY vague continuation (mainly with the theme of Humpty Dumpty being some trickster god that demands sacrifice)
Whereas I could bullshit my way to a bit of deeper themeing in the first, this one is just a pure slasher without much else. It’s strange, it’s funny, it’s really a so-bad-it’s-good... And I think they knew that making it. The acting is abysmal, the eventual capes look to be from Spirit (and not even all the cultists wear them #shatteringexpectations), and Humpty looks goofier than ever.
Honestly, it’s fun. It’s not good, but it’s fun!
Year: 2023
Rating: 5.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Blood, Mentions of animal death, Mentions of child death
Summary: After the passing of her mother, a woman and her boyfriend stay at her mother’s house in the country. However, she’s haunted by memories of the past
This had a budget seemingly more in line with the first movie. I’d say it’s solidly okay. It seems to have more plot threads to the original– or at least, an attempt to remind you the original happened through flashbacks at the begining– but with that being said, it’s still a stand alone with like 1% connection.
It combines the abysmal acting of the 2nd with the cinematography of the first. The plot has some genuinely unexpected twists and overall, it was really funny in some spots. I had fun with this, enjoyed the ending, very much so will be hoping for more Humpty Dumpty movies in the future.
Year: 2021
Rating: 3.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Blood, Animal death (it's shown but it. Really does not look like any creature ever)
Summary: The 3rd in a 5-part series; A father chaperones his daughter out to the countryside and she awakens an evil.
Going off of Humpty, I assumed each movie was most likely independent (as it is another ITN Production)... Nope! It connects to the previous two movies, just my luck! ... But I continued on.
I think that did hinder some of it, but definitely not all of it. I think the concept alone and the execution were ridiculous, but not near the calibre of any of the Humpty movies.
All in all, bad, but okay enough that it didn't piss me off.
Year: 2026
Rating: 7.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Animal death (cgi), Blood/Murder, Airplane accident, Eye trauma, General grossout material (i.e, vomiting)
Summary: After being the only 2 survivors in a plane crash, a nepo baby boss is at the mercy of an employee he underestimated.
It’s fun! A good workplace-horror revenge kind of deal! I had a fun time watching it and it had a lot of campy and silly moments along with moments of really good tension.
The CGI in it was... Very reminiscent of the earlier days of CGI, so to speak, but honestly, it’s fine and I prefer it to too realistic, especially in the scenes with animals. It went perhaps a little too heavy on some of the grossout stuff for my tastes, but it didn’t hinder the experience.
The ending is really satisfying and I think it was just fun. Another longer movie that did not feel it’s length, which is nice!
Year: 2021
Rating: 4.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Blood/Murder, Incest, Sexual Assault, Mentions of Sucide, Mentions of instituionalization
Summary: A horror retelling of Jack and Jill, involving a grieving friend group who end up being hunted in the woods
This movie was 50% a drama following a friend group and 50% a horror movie featuring Jack and Jill. It’s kind of what I expected from this movie– poor acting and makeup, questionable suspension of belief, and just stupid shit that makes it fun. There’s no real deep plot, it’s just friend drama and killing. It’s not on the same tier as the Humpty Movies, but I still am excited to continue this series.
Year: 2001
Rating: 10.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death, Murder, Blood/gore, Unsanitary, Racism (against half-Japanese people)
Summary: The school year is about to end, leading a group of delinquents to graduate and ruminate on their lives and time spent in school.
My yearly rewatch of Blue Spring! I’ll keep this short, as I’ve written a more in-depth review in a previous Movie Log (May 2025)-- It’s peak. Every rewatch is wonderful, it’s a superb film. No notes, just perfection.
Year: 2022
Rating: 4.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Blood/Murder, Incest, Mentions of Sexual Assault, Mentions of Sucide, Mentions of instituionalization
Summary: Following the events of the first movie, the mother of one of the girls who went missing seeks to find answers.
This one is marginally better than the first– perhaps because of the lack of melodrama going on. It’s more of a straight up slasher than anything. It’s overall nothing super to write home about, but I do really like the ending and I’m curious where the third one will go with it.
... Also, the amount of shots of the RVs (which, btw, are the same location as Humpty Dumpty 2!) makes me wonder if filming here was a tax writeoff or something. Fun cameo though!
Year: 2026
Rating: 6.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Sexual assault, Death/Blood/Gore, Sex
Summary: In a retelling of Frankenstein, set in 1930s Chicago, Frankenstein asks a scientist to bring a wife to life for him.
This is a strange movie. It’s confusing, it’s clunky, but I have to give it credit: It really does feel like a unique take on the whole thing, and one I hadn’t seen before. It’s visually really appealing and it has elements that almost makes me think of early 2010s movies. It’s not one I knew what really was going on at all times, but also, I still enjoyed it.
I think despite it’s shortcomings, this film has a vision and style it embraces, and I can wholeheartedly respect that, even if it left me lost in the dust at points on what was the bigger picture.
Year: 2026
Rating: 5.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Natural Disasters/Flood/Hurricane, Death/Blood, Child abuse, Parental death, Animal death
Summary: Bullsharks flood in as a historic hurricane hits a city
It’s fine! I didn’t go in expecting mind-blowing cinema, but it was definitely fine. It was silly but satisfying.
Year: 2026
Rating: 5.0 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Murder, Animal death
Summary: A climber goes to spread her partner’s ashes, but ends up coming face-to-face with a killer.
Another one that overall was just fine. Satisfying enough to be interesting, but not enough that it was mindblowing. Had a few really good lines.
Year: 2025
Rating: 8.5/ 10
Content Warnings: Animal death, Death/Murder/Blood/Violence, Pregnancy/Birth
Summary: Based on the true story of the “Galapagos Affair”, a physician moves to a remote island in the Galapagos with a companion in order to write philosophy and get away from society. However, the writing he sends to newspapers attracts those who seek freedom from the tumultuous world affairs, causing friction between all parties.
The Galapagos Affair is something I knew nothing about before this movie. In fact, there’s no Wikipedia page specifically discussing the facts of it– just aspects (This movie, a documentary, a film from 1934, and Dr. Friedrich Ritter).
The whole movie was really interesting and sucked me in. There were a lot of “look away” moments for me, but it was worth it for the unique story and how well it was executed. I tend to feel ambivalent about historical dramas– especially if they tend to take real life events vs just using a time and place– but this seems to have been pretty accurate overall, at least with what I’ve gathered. It’s an interesting watch and it takes some really surprising twists and turns. As an added bonus, it tells you the actual fall-out of the events that took place, and it just adds on even more to the intrigue of the whole affair.
Year: 2025
Rating: 4.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Death/Blood
Summary: A couple moves away from the city, but unbeknownst to them, the house is haunted by an imp seeking revenge.
Let me say one thing first: No description of this movie online is accurate. There are no deals and there is absolutely nothing that denotes the couple in this film is having a son. Though I haven’t watched it since I was in elementary school, I’d wager this film runs closer to The Mask than your traditional Rumplestiltkin story.
Now as for the facts: Is the movie good? It’s fun. It’s stupid. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you think about it for long. The idea of Rumplestilskin is more tangential for 90% of the movie and when it is explained, it still is kind of “...huh?”. Mainly because Rumplestiltskin is quite literally a misogynistic troll, quite frankly. That’s the big explanation for the whole thing.
But I had fun! And it really seems like the guy in the Rumple mask did too given how much he was acting his pussy off with those facial expressions for the mask. Good for him! Good for him! He is also seemingly the size of a normal man who seems surprisingly buff... Well, I guess if Once Upon A Time could make Rumplestiltskin a weird, leathery man with awful contacts and a thing for Belle from Beauty and the Beast, this isn’t so weird.
Year: 2023
Rating: 5.5 / 10
Content Warnings: Pedophilia involving a teacher, Sex (no nudity), Blood/Death/Murder
Summary: Several people come together to take part in a show to find traces of Jack and Jill.
This one is for the lesbians and bisexuals. There was sooo much gay shit involving women, it kinda was insane. God bless. Minus the teacher-student one, but even beyond that: you had the main girls, you had a goth girl, older woman, it went kind of insane. I fucked with it!
This had a stronger plot than the others, but I also don’t think it was utilized right. If done ever so slightly better, it’d probably be bumped up a few more rating points, but alas. The plot was a bit shaky in parts; Namely the whole overarching plot of why they were there. I got the feeling it was more of an independent production type of show– fine, fine! But the “plot” of the show was confusing... Were they supposed to find traces of Jack and Jill? Stay over at night? How do they determine who wins the prize of 10k if they all stay? I dunno!!
There was also a small plot thread with a woman named Ruth. Soon in, after she has some insane flirting with the goth girl (this isn’t conjecture, girl is literally talking about wanting to have sex with her.), we learn she gave birth to someone who turned out to be a serial killer. Genuinely I think it would be interesting to expound upon this, or hell, at least seemingly connect it more to another ITN distribution film! Maybe they have, but I can’t see anything and they looooveeee an overstayed flashback to another film in these. I really thought it was a missed opportunity to do nothing with this except it be part of gay flirting... Appreciated, but underutilized! (Though the goth girl saying she could fuck her and not have to worry about giving birth to another murderer is crazy work.)
I also did not like the ending. I really felt it was a let down. I did actually like a lot of the people in this movie and was sad to see them go, and in general, I really wish the two best friends/could be lovers made it out together. Hell, I don’t even think you’d have to kill Jack or Jill to do that– the police aren't doing shit about them, despite everyone seeming to know about it!! I don’t know, I felt like that could’ve been better than to leave it in a weird gray zone with Jill dying and the one main girl being the final girl chillin with Jack.
Complaints aside, I do have a decent amount of good to say about it. I feel overall the premise was a lot more interesting and engaging than the previous films in this series. I think minus some confusion, it had a decent plot set up and I thought it was fun. I also think they were able to establish the characters early on pretty well (though they did beat us over the head with that girl’s mom’s sickness). I felt this movie had a decent amount of potential and generally liked it.
It doesn’t seem as though there will be a 4th one– not because of the ending, but because ITN seems to pump out sequels year-after-year and this was released in 2023... But who knows! Definitely one of their better ones, though!
3:18pm .... // 06.02.2026